Surviving 2010 – Part 1

After a trying year with lots of challenges in every way possible, I finally made the decision to go back home after spending over a decade overseas in order to be geographically closer to my family. Sometimes making life changing decisions like that are tough and there are certainly many times I’ve wished that someone else would make the decisions and take ultimate responsibility for what happens. In real life though, that’s not the case, or at least it hasn’t been for me. On the other hand, life is not static and when open minded, I’ve found that something will force me to walk forward and to continue to grow as a person both emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to increase my capacity for love and compassion for other people.

As I went through all of my belongings deciding what to do with them, what to keep and what to get rid of, I realized again, how much stuff I seem to collect that I don’t need. What a great opportunity to shed some unnecessary material weight. But nevertheless it’s difficult to get rid of one’s belongings, especially my books. I valued my library of reference and nonfiction literature more than my clothes. It was with sadness in my heart that I packed the books in boxes for donation since I couldn’t afford bringing all of them with me. There are in fact few things that makes one reflect upon what truly means something as moving half way across the world. If I am only able to bring ten books and I have a several hundred books, which books are important enough to bring? If I can bring one large suitcase with clothes, what would make most sense to bring?

In the end, I was still putting the last boxes together the morning of my flight and running a last load of stuff to the donation center. Everything I now owned could easily fit in one small car. There is something freeing about not having more than that but at the same time something uncertain. The space where my feet stand, the space that is mine to stand on, seems very small and unstable when one is making such a move and bringing only a few bags starting a new life.

My best friend drove me to the airport and reality hadn’t quite set in yet that we will be parted by the Atlantic and won’t be able to casually hang out the way that we’ve done for the last thirteen years. As we’re making small talk in the car getting closer to the airport, I felt more and more quiet not even sure what to say at a moment like that. Small talk seems so superficial but we both know that it’s not good bye either. Our paths will cross geographically again sometime in the future. When we arrived at the airport, her husband is already there to give me a hug and to wave goodbye. Somehow that’s when I realize that I may have left a lot of things behind that I’ve collected over the years but I’m also leaving my chosen family behind. Someone who has been like a true sister, her children who are like my own children and her husband who is like my family and friend in one will no longer be an active part of my daily life.

Capturing the moment

Fortunate and privileged are words that I can think of when it comes to the honor of having such people and relationships in my life. It may take a long time to establish and cultivate those kinds of relationships but some of them will last a lifetime. In comparison, no material things can ever come close and yet, we live in a world where we forget the importance of people and desperately hold on to things because they make us feel safe. We’ve given these things power to make us feel safe and secure believing that if I only had that, whatever that is, then I’d be happy and feel better. The experience that I can bring with me, having done such a large move now for the second time in my life, is that nothing can replace the love, joy and compassion that comes out of allowing people into my life. Building intimate relationships with other people will always force me to grow and learn and reflect upon what’s true and real to me.